Bill Engvall, often confused for Jeff Foxworthy, has a whole comedy career centered around his belief that those of us who act stupid from time to time should just wear a sign that says, "Stupid," so as to warn others. I've certainly needed such a sign on nearly a daily basis. I've also had two classic run-ins with others who needed a sign:
July 20, 2006First of all I should have been wearing a Stupid Sign for two reasons on this occasion. 1, I bought a 1975 Jeep Cherokee site unseen off eBay. In Oregon. And I live in California. 2, Despite the previous owner's warning that the oil pressure gauge was broken, I drove it straight back to California without ever once checking the oil. And, about 15 miles from home, the engine blew a rod.
But it gets better. When the AAA tow truck driver pulled up, he leans his head out the window, takes a quick look at my Jeep, and asks, "What's wrong?"
"Engine's blown," I say.
"Hmmph," he says. Pause. Pause. Then he asks,"So... does it run?"
"Yup. Now that you mention it, it runs great, hadn't thought of that. Thanks for clearing that up. And here's your sign."
July 22, 20082 hours after UHaul promised it would be ready, I finally went out to look over the moving van and trailer I had rented to move my stuff from Escondido to Sunnyvale. I was dismayed that the van looked pretty dirty, like it had just been dropped off minutes earlier. I was also dismayed that the trailer still hadn't been hooked up yet and that there's was no one around offering assistance, even though I was the only customer. And, the guy who did my paperwork had already told the outside crew, twice, to get my equipment ready before I went outside.
Finally this fellow strolls up with his tobacco pipe in his right hand and asks, "Can I help ya?".
"Uh, yeah, I need that van and trailer that was supposed to be ready 2 hours ago."
"Oh... Ok... Say, you want us to hook the trailer to the van?"
"Fuck, no. I thought it was a self-driving model. And here's your sign."
5. Toilet Seat Covers. Unless you have an open wound on the back of your leg, you're not going to catch a disease by sitting on a toilet seat. You're more likely to catch a disease from that nasty sponge you use to wash your dishes. And, to whomever was taking a crap before me just now, at least have the decency to dispose of the damn thing before you leave the stall.
6. Empty Coffee Pots. There's a great scene in season 4 of The Wire when the mayor Carcetti gets caught by Greggs putting back an empty coffee pot at the police station. When I was at Lockheed, I learned that the higher your pay, the less likely you are to bother making a new pot. Why is this?
