Bill Engvall, often confused for Jeff Foxworthy, has a whole comedy career centered around his belief that those of us who act stupid from time to time should just wear a sign that says, "Stupid," so as to warn others. I've certainly needed such a sign on nearly a daily basis. I've also had two classic run-ins with others who needed a sign:
July 20, 2006First of all I should have been wearing a Stupid Sign for two reasons on this occasion. 1, I bought a 1975 Jeep Cherokee site unseen off eBay. In Oregon. And I live in California. 2, Despite the previous owner's warning that the oil pressure gauge was broken, I drove it straight back to California without ever once checking the oil. And, about 15 miles from home, the engine blew a rod.
But it gets better. When the AAA tow truck driver pulled up, he leans his head out the window, takes a quick look at my Jeep, and asks, "What's wrong?"
"Engine's blown," I say.
"Hmmph," he says. Pause. Pause. Then he asks,"So... does it run?"
"Yup. Now that you mention it, it runs great, hadn't thought of that. Thanks for clearing that up. And here's your sign."
July 22, 20082 hours after UHaul promised it would be ready, I finally went out to look over the moving van and trailer I had rented to move my stuff from Escondido to Sunnyvale. I was dismayed that the van looked pretty dirty, like it had just been dropped off minutes earlier. I was also dismayed that the trailer still hadn't been hooked up yet and that there's was no one around offering assistance, even though I was the only customer. And, the guy who did my paperwork had already told the outside crew, twice, to get my equipment ready before I went outside.
Finally this fellow strolls up with his tobacco pipe in his right hand and asks, "Can I help ya?".
"Uh, yeah, I need that van and trailer that was supposed to be ready 2 hours ago."
"Oh... Ok... Say, you want us to hook the trailer to the van?"
"Fuck, no. I thought it was a self-driving model. And here's your sign."
July 22, 2008
I like that iTunes has an automatic album rating feature now. Of my 9300 tracks, I have rated over 7000 of them while riding buses in Asia and driving through the Outback. This has given me some fairly accurate data about my music tastes. The result surprised me and so I thought I would share it. I only considered LP albums and excluded compilations and greatest hits album. For example, I excluded Bob Marley's 'Legend' and James Brown's 'Mother Lode' since in a loose definition they're both greatest hits album.
My Top 15 Favorite Albums
1. Bath Robes Why take your clothes off only to put on another item of clothing that you're then just going to take off again in 60 seconds when you get to the bathroom? I don't find them particularly sexy on men or women. I just don't get it. When I worked at Sears in the men's department way back in high school, there was a crazy guy who wore nothing but bathrobes and came in every night for a week to try on the same one before he finally bought it.
2. The Spork. The worst invention, ever. Especially the plastic ones that they have at Taco Bell. It's good neither as a spoon nor a fork. You go to stab something with the fork part but the big fat spoon part prevents it. You go to scoop some soup up and, one, the spoon can't fill up because there's holes at the end to create fork tines, and, two the fork tines poke you as you pull the spoon out. And why isn't it called a foon? Why a spork? How hard would it be for Taco Bell to have forks AND spoons? Why do you need a spoon at Taco Bell anyway? Wouldn't the happiness derived by having proper utensils outweigh the minuscule amount of money they save by saving on 1 utensil on the rare customer who would have grabbed both a fork AND a spoon to eat a taco? The only one that I would ever consider using is this red one that I saw at REI where there's spoon at one end and a fork at the other. But then on further inspection I see that they couldn't restrain themselves: they had to go and make the fork part a combination knife (so is it a sporife?) which means you're going to cut yourself when you eat with that fork. Fuck. Sporks just suck.
